Another Version of You

We go through life doing different things and trying different things. And being different things.

At one point of life you could be one person, with certain values, understandings and concepts that drive your behavior. A few years later you could be a different person. Or you could be not.

I was looking through old photos, from the early moments of my past relationship, and realized that I no longer wanted to be the person I was on those photos. As typical of me, I don’t really regret those times, but I don’t want to be that Sonya anymore. That’s something that’s helping me move on now.

But I do regret that moment when I was unable to make a decision and move forward. Why was I unable to do anything, why was I completely frozen at that time? Why couldn’t I make a hard decision and say “stop, stop torturing me, let’s break up”? I’m angry at myself. But maybe because I’m thinking that it could have been different. But I would have had more thoughts then, more “what-if’s”.

I’m still hurting over the fact that it was his decision. That I’m the one who’s been dumped. Maybe it’s about self-esteem, well, it is about self-esteem.

It is tough to write today. I’ve worked too long, spent some time on Instagram and I’m not as focused as I’d like to be and this is not very inspired. I did do the morning pages today but I’ve still got some thoughts that I’m sharing here. Definitely not a comprehensive story, definitely not something that makes sense to someone other than me.

But I need to get it over with. I’m enjoying the sound my keyboard is making while I’m typing. I’m enjoying typing. I’m enjoying all these little things.

Really tired. The story that I wanted to write was about a girl who’s returning her city to herself. Maybe that’s what I should also do — return not his city, but my city to myself.

There’s still a lot of stuff going on emotionally, but I’m tired and my thoughts are not really clear on this. Getting over a breakup is hard, especially if it’s after a long-term relationship where you’ve been planning you life together.

I want to be a happy and healthy version of me, who knows how to handle emotions and who’s in contact with her emotions.

I think this is it for today. I will not blame myself, I will not be rude to myself for not writing for the whole 20 minutes. I will be nice to myself and say, yes, it’s alright. I’m a little annoyed with me, but this is how it is. If this is what I want to do, then I’ll try to do it. I did find some pleasure in it, and I’m finding some as well. The issue is the expectations I have of the writing.

I was expecting to write something super meaningful today, but I’m not. Lol. The world is getting colder, and I’m sitting in a warm apartment thankful for the country and place where I live.

Peace out.

S